ZHan
2403198
Blabbering is my forte
Snapping pic is my fav
One World Sold out for Jesus

Church
Pastor
Chenxi
Ting
Aik
Reggie
Jason
Bro
Jian Ming
Chrissy
YQ
Becks
Kit
JWen
Jane
Jojo
Aud
LY
Brenda
Debra
Jlyne
Rainie
Ace
Marj
Sam
Daniel Khew

June 2004
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Life is fraud.
that makes you rot.
Always wonder if
Love is a need
for the weak
or just lust
for the pigs.
Sad to know,
maybe I'm a pig.
Monogamy jerks my knee.
Serenading makes me king.
Maybe this is crush,
cause by my sugar rush.
Virtue. A fig!
Maybe refers to me.
Help me.

If one day, I turn into Hitler.
Use the knife in my candybox.

Slit me.

Remember the rules of engagement.
Trust no one. Even a self-declared patriot.

Mercy me not.
Generosity is a foundation for greatness.

Great leaders inspire people to give.

Giving is like sowing a seed.

Whatever is given will return multiplied.

Our best results come from what we give, not from what people 'take' from us.

When we 'take' from people what they didn't want to give, they aren't giving.

When people give to us, we aren't 'taking' from them.

When we 'take' from people they feel they lose control.

Once people start giving they are ennobled and empowered.

The team that gives more time than they have to, will bind together.

The people who give money they don't have to, create a culture of celebration.

The leader that gives attention they're not paid for will exceed expectations.

Let's be the Genorous generation!!!

By Pastor Phil Pringle.
He rocks and he inspires.
:)
Home com's down.
Always my fault.
Now in college.
Ack!

:)

Now.. you know who are the muggers and the confident ones.
Just look @ table.. :)

Men in White.
Operation: MovieSafari

Newlywed? Hahaha.. Joulbert & Me!! 
2nd r.n. Baptism Service
I love r.n.
I love church.

Heaven on Earth. Gospel to all.
Welcome to Revolution.

Invade my world. Starts with me.
:p
Hotel Rwanda.
Massacre.
Genocide.

Maddness.
Spawn.
Hutu.

Wept.
Anger.
Affront.

High spirit me arrived in r.n. on the dot for the MovieSpeak..
Disturbed spirit me left the Lord's sanctury.

The bloodiest chapter of Africa - Rwanda.
The World chose to ignore the genocide tragic.
1 million died in 100 days.

I can't continue to blog.
I might start weeping again.
Gosh..

where innocent blood spills
my crismson cries
where warm tears gather
my skin drenches.
where Godforsake calls out
my spirit pours out.
Blind. Deaf. Mute.
Nothing could seize my soul.
'Death is the penalty of Sin' says the Lord.
'Death is the maddness of their sins' says me.

Judge not. Measure not.
Forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.
Honor them for they will be released from their doing.
Love them for discipline is an act of concern for their doing.

Reputation of prophet.
Blessings.
Curses.

Elisha. I.
Mantle of the double portion.
Love. Discipline. Honor. Praise.
Bones of multiplication.
Heart of faith.
Flesh of desires.

'May thee find me my lady?'
'Maybe.'

My lady.
Prompted. Promoted. Polished.
Pretty lady.
Praise by public. Place by Prince.

'One day. I promise I will carry you to our nest..'
'where we set forth the flame of passion.'
'Purity melts gold. Flesh of Flesh. We become..'
'..never set apart until the Day of our Lord's return.'
'Our love sealed with our moist lips.'
'Our Father in Heaven be our witness.'
'Amen with my lady here.'
'Amen with my knight here.'

'Sleep. My young knight.'
'Zound. The young night moans.'
'Lie low. My house man.'
'Zound. My new founding seeks.'
'Embrace. My Lord.'
'My God showers with moonlight.'
'Watching us?'
'Expels lust! Begone in Christ's name.'
Transferred my study method for bible studying..
Modify. Test. Adjust. Clear.
Onto my CT exams..
Lit. His. Econs. Maths.

God's ways. The best way.
Prayer works..
Everything by prayer, nothing without it.

Outreach into the Gelyang Community through movie screening was a success.
None by Man. All by God.
We opened the door. He showed the way.

Attendance for the holiday hit more than 100 kids.
When our expectation was just 100..

I can't wait for CWM.
I'm in prayer department.
Chatting with God is my hobby..

Many are called but few are chosen.
Prophet in Training. :p

Invade my world. Starts with me.
If Peter can walk on water. I want to run on water.
Nothing is impossible with God.

Somebody. Anybody say 'Amen'.
Holiday.
4 more days.
Ack!

Well..
Life's crazy.
Being radical for Jesus is crazy.
But the fruits speak for itself.

PW.
1st thing I troubled God was PW.

'So God.. what's first?'
'PW..'
'But..'
'PW!'
'Orh.. ok lor'

Unofficial meeting.
Gathered my fellow PW mates to settle on the dates and everything need to..
First meeting.
Set our 'can't-make-it' days. Chose the PI. Hoi's..
Second meeting.
@ Starbucks or Coffee Bean? No idea. And settled our in-house duties.
Third meeting.
Gathered our research. Did something fruitful..
Fourth meeting.
Survey done. Homework for some. Adeline got the biggest share.
Done! :0

Den today..
Dumbfounded.
Like pre-planned..
Unknowingly we got our GPP done
Ready to hand in once Adeline formatted all.
Luckily we settled it before school reopens..

'So Zhan..'
'Hahaha.. God! You Rulz..'
-He smiled-

Sometime I hate it when God smiles @ me..
I always got this imagine that he's hidding something from me.
Ack!

But He's my potter. My Creator. My God. My Great O' Daddy..
Ack!

But truely..
He blessed me with a group of awesome PW mates.
'Worked for 1 hour. Relaxed for 2 hours.'
That's our working style. I reckoned..
A bunch of committed dudes and babes..

PW is like a mini gathering for us.
Gossip. Share. Enjoy. Laugh. Done. Settle.

'One bird kills two stones.'
Hanispears speaks..
:p
I love you. :p

it's 1.48 a.m.
And I'm still not asleep?

I love you. :p

One minute has passed.
it's 1.49 a.m.

I love you. :p

The sheeps are waiting for me.
They baffled for my arrival.

I love you. :p

My eyes are weak.
Eyesight is failing.

I love you. :p

These 3 simple words are easy miggled with others.
Easy to type. Easy to see. Easy to tell.

I love you. :p

But sometime some people will use it @
the wrong place. the wrong time. the wrong way.

I love you. :p

I guess now. These words are a nuisance.
But well.. it depends who's using it.

I love you. :p

How about saying this: 'I love myself'
Eeeeeeeeeeeee.. sounded so wrong.

I love you. :p

It's the ninth time I'm repeating it.
Jolly well.. it's time to sleep.

I love you. :p

Tenth.. -clap clap-
Happy Lovely day!!
Shave. Learning.
I need to learn from the head of the household.

No my leg hair.
Nor my pubic hair (armpit lar!!!)
Higher up there lei!

'It's my first time. Pls be gentle with me.'
'Muhahahaha..'
'Do I need protection?'
'NO!'
'Or maybe lubricant?'
'Maybe.. if its too dry'
'Will it be painful?'
'Try and you will know.. Muhahhaa!!'

'Come little boy. It's time to...'
'.. to lose my.. my..'
'YES!!'
'Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..'
'Dun run away.. BOY!'
'Dun wannnnnnnn..'
'COME!!'
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!'

Tomorrow morning.
From a little boy to a man.
Hail manhooF!!
Hail manhooF!!

Not there yet..
so can't say that SACRED word.

Red Tony Trujillo Dr. T. Mine. 

Reebok Red ATL Backpack. Mine.

2005 Mini Cooper. Mine. 
Skin's thicker.
I'm the ONLY bookstore keeper in r.n. ( moi's church).
I'm currently in charge of all departments.
Production. Sales. Manager.

r.n. Father's day gift.
Cocktail peanuts. Cappuccino. Ribbon. 'Happy Father's Day' tag.
3 bucks.

In-house Father's day gift.
3 mini Snickers bundle into one. Ribboned. Larger 'HFD' tag.
On the house.

My 'vulture' brother. He brought all the food stuff.
81.30 bucks in total.
'Last min' assistants. Gathered all the stuff.
Ribboned and ready for sale.
'Thick-skin' Me. Sweet talking skills came handy during sales.
Ack!

'It's in the blood'
Ack!

Problem arose.
I might have miscalulated the amt of gifts for sale.
I tallied the cash with the leftovers.
Discrepancies.

@ first. 7 bucks extra. Dumbfound.
In e end. 6 bucks short. Dumbfound too.

FED UP!

Driven out of the church.
PISSED OFF!!

Revelation:
Food dun make me a happy man.
Shopping cures any of my depression.

I brought something on 80% slashing sales.
Great Singapore Sale. I bow down to u.
Ack!

From 100+ buck to 48+ bucks.
All beach bum slacks.
Red's the prime colour.

To buy or not to buy.
A red bag. Cool one.
A red slacks. Cooler too.

Maybe by the time i make up my mind..
it's gone.

My shopping spree with brother was subsidised by Dad.
Isn't Daddy great? Happy Father's Day!!!
Ack!

With the new toy on my hand to dispose in any form of actions.
I snapped photo like snapping my fingers.
Family pic. Sister-brother pic. Dad-mum pic. Siblings pic.

Toying with it when I'm alone with her.
By the way, her name is Coolpix 7600.
I think I nicknamed her: 76s.
Ack!

76s.
Pressed my fingers on her.
Her cold metallic body. Slim and smooth.
Woo la la..

:p

Simply. My Dad. Happy Father's Day!!
Today was lousy.
I re-read my previous post and found that it's dumb.
I deleted it.

Nikon Coolpix 7600.
7.1 megapixels. 3x ED lens. 16 scene modes.
Isn't she beautiful?
And she's staying over @ my place. Permanently

Mini Cooper.
She's hot.

Vespa LX.
She's hotter.

Next time I post their photo.
They drive me crazy..
Things to do one week before school reopen:
1. Cut hair.
2. Buy new notebooks for notes.
3. Find people to accompany in the library to study.
4. Prepare to sleep early and wake up early.
5. Have faith to follow the above mentioned.
Reckoned that I will not be a good hubby.
I might fall asleep while waiting for my wife to get through her first 30 hours of labour on the hospital bed.

1st hour.
'PUSH!! COME ON!! PUSH!!'
'Nothing..'

2nd hour.
'PUSH!! YOU BABY COME OUT LAR!! PUSH!!'
'Still nothing lei.. dun stress me lar!'

3rd hour.
'Push!! wait.. wait.. DOCTOR!! How long must I wait?'

4th hour.
'pushhhhhhhhh.. what time is it?'

5th hour.
'so doc, is the baby coming out soon? I'm here for 5 hours liao.'

6th hour.
'Aiyo.. hungry lei. NURSE! this's my number. Get me when it's time'

7th hour.
-Sound asleep after a quick meal-

8th - 14th hour.
-Snoring off that echoes down the hallway-

15th hour
'Sir. it's morning.'
'Oh. Ooops! sorry. Waiting for my baby to pop out!'
'Oh.. Congrats!'
'Thanks'

16th hour
'Eh. You oso waiting for your wife?'
'Yar lar. First time.'
'Me too.'
Sian hor?'
'A bit lar. My boys dun want to come out'
'Wao.. you..'
-A loud cry was heard from one of the rooms-
'It's mine! see ya.'

17th hour
-coffee break @ the vending machine-

18th hour
'Oh yar!! My coupon's expired. Darn!'
-Jogging down to my car to add more coupons-

19th hour
'Hi wife! How ar...'
'SHUT UP!! AHHHHHHHHHHH..'
-Stunned for a few seconds-
'Are you alrig..'
'GET OUT!! AHHHHHHHHHH..'
-Hid from her sight-

20th hour
'LUNCH TIME!!'
-back to the same old canteen as the day before-

21st hour
-Mobile vibrating-
'Hello?'
'Mr Kng! Your wife..'
-Dashed without finishing the meal-

22nd hour
'Lao Po!! I'm here!!'
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..'
'Say something! please!'
'I dun want to give birth liao!!'
'Huh? No..'
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.. DOCTOR!!'
'Relax!! Dun scare me!!'
-Nurse gave her an injection to calm her-
'Lao Gong.. why is there so many you looking @ me?'
'Dun have lar. Relax..'
- Wife fainted.-

23rd hour
'Doctor! you have to help me. My wife..'
'It's fine. It's kinda of usual for 1st timer.'
'But she's looked like in so much pain. I dun..'
'Aiyo.. Mr Kng! Trust me. I'm your doctor.'
'Errr.. ok lar. Once?'

24th hour
-Siting by the corridor. Head between the legs-
'Eh.. you!'
'Huh?'
'How's your wife doing?'
'Can't lei..'
'Dun worry! mine's out so will yours. Soon.'
'Thanks!'
'By the way, I'm Jack. You?'
'Zhi Han. Han Zhi. Remember better?'
'Hahahaha..'
'Hahahaha..'

25th hour
'Dear God. It's me, Zhi Han. I know I'm a bit panic but God can yo...'

26th hour
'Mr Kng!! Coming out!!'
'HUH??'
-Flying bullet across the hallway-
'Lao Po!! Wo lie ler..'

27th hour
-tahan-ing my wife squeezing of my hands-
'Pain.. Pain.. Pain..'
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..'
'Breath in! Breath out! In! Out!'
'AHHHHHHHH.. WOO WOO.. AHHHHHHHH..'

28th hour
'I can see the head!!'
'Head?'
'Ooops! it's out!'
'Male?'
'Yar! There's another one.'

29th hour
'Number 4!'
'AHHHHHHHHHH.. Male too? AHHHHH..'
Yar! Still got!'
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..'
'PUSH!! Last one!!'
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..'

30th hour
-moment of silence-
'Errr.. so 4 plus 1?'
'5.'
'5 babies. One me.'
'Hmmmm..'
'So..'
'1/7 of our way to have 36 children!'
'What?'
-Loud outbrust of cries-
'HEY!! what are you DOING hitting my children's buttocks?'
- flying fist towards the nurse with the babies-

31st hour
'Sorry!! hehehehe..'
'A bit over exctied?'
'Yar.. hahahaha..'

Phew..
I'm glad I'm a man.
:p
Oh yeah..
Thank God for creating women and still creating somemore.

Err..
Maybe too much. Slightly too much.
Guy-gal ratio is falling towards them.

However, out of all His little creation..
I can only choose one.

Hehehe..
One-to-one function.
Not one-to-many function.
'cos inverse of the latter dun exist at all.

Maths speaks.
Mum's sick.
She's been coughing and choking herself with her saliva.
And every cough sends chills down my spine. Hell-pains.

The usual uptight me will rush to aid her.
Today was pathatic.

I was supposed to get water for her.
I dashed to the kitchen to get water.

I got cool water.
Mum refused to drink.
Wrong.

Add a bit of lukewarm water.
She used her fifth sense - touch.
Wrong.

I add somemore.
One glance from her with the continuous coughing.
Wrong.

I poured some away and added more.
She took a sip and cough with gusto.
Wrong.

FED UP!!

Poured the whole cup away and filled with just lukewarm water.
Daddy was irritated by in-and-out. in-and-out.
Still wrong.

'Eh! what are u doing?'
'Err..'
'Walking here and there non-stop. Stop playin..'
'No lar. The water not hot enough lar! Not that..'
'Whatever.. Quick!'

Okie.. It was quite comical. I was on my veryt way to the fused lightbulb bathroom. 'Cos everyone was so packed with life that in the day, not a single soul dwells @ home, so the electrician ( I call him: E-dude) couldn't fix the damned bulb.

Typical ZHan..

Whenever he had a wonderful and awesome day with much accomplishment with his studies and spent quality time with his friends, especially new found friends from COOP and had a sumptuous meal after fasting from morning to evening, with a ice-blended mocha from Galilee to break fast. He feels great.

Acting as Pharaoh..

My pants topped my head. Half-naked. Marching with might and strength towards the bathroom. Humming and having a great time posing in front of the body-length mirror practicing my flex-sation (taken from 'sensation') and feel shiok abt my scrawy and clearly defined rib-bones physique. (Somebody say 'Amen!')

Den came the unexpected.
'Cough.. cough..'

Mum.

Enough of mom. During my COOP election speech. I dragged Mom into my semi-impromptu speech. Praising her. Quoting from her. Bragged abt her. Mom here and Mom there.

Hahaha.. I think. Too much liao. :p

She's still coughing. Loud and crystal clear.
Na.. she will be alright.
God will settle for me :)

Maybe should stand by water for her to drink.
Hot water. Cold water. Up to her to mix the two.
Specific heat capacity. Hehehe..

Happy Birthday to Helen and Joanna. :)
To give up or not to give up.
That's a dumb question..

Shakespears?
Na..

Haniespears..
Yeah..

Whatever ZHan..

'COOP!! are u ready?'
'EVER ready!!'

'COOP COOP'
'MONEY MONEY'
'COOP MONEY!!'
'MONEY COOP!!'

'ti a ta lar.. ti ya ti ya..'
'ti a ta lar.. ti ya ti ya..'
'SAAAA!!'

'1..2..3.. COOP!'
I used to think that comics will separate me from God.
I was wrong. wrong. wrong.

Every comics has its underlying motive.

Captain America - to ignite the flame of the every able-bodied man for war.
Batman - The impact of an orphan. The pychological instability.
Spiderman - the struggles between domestic and public responsibility.
Tomb Radier - feast to the eyes and the ficitional myths and lengends.
X- Men - discrimination and pros and cons of homo sapains evolution.

ZHan - the fraction of everything. All above mention.

Only applicable to literature students:
If O'neill could rediscover himself and his family by closing himself in the Tao house, behind a desk somewhere in the lonely corner of his 'home', with the door shut. With brawling and fustration and finally producing 'Long day's jounrey into Night'

I will be able to. With a little help.
From God.

I have a friend who could not fathom why she chose to come to SA and took up a course that is total alien to her and all the things that came upon right on her face. She ain't lost. She's just need directions.

So where's the directions?
From God.

I have another friends who questioned over my faith. My relationship with God. Anything and everything about Christianity or religions in the whole. He threw me questions after questions and wanted to have an immediate short and sweet answer - sorry! no shortcuts.

So why Christianity? Why even believe there's such thing as GOD?
'Cos God gives directions? 'Cos He relates you as His loving children.

He's God. Good O'Daddy :)

Comics played a huge role in my up bringing.
Comics either cuts me from God or connects me. Simple.
Sometimes both. Seldom one.

During the valley of my teenagehood. When I went thru the 'Dark Ages'.
Comics was though a drug to me. I was addicted to Batman comics.
I will go 'Cold Turkey'..

Batman comics has its Darkness and its Light.
But in order for the sale to climb, there would be times of 'imbalance'.
That 'imbalance' season encouraged secular behaviour of me.

I was 'Batman'.

The revengeful and blood-thirsty beast that feeds on the physical torments of life. The fustration of the young that allowed bitterness to become his strength and feeds on it. The mind was his tool of destruction with his hand soaked in crimson. He was the advocate of Devil. Deception was his way of life. Everyday hidding behind a mask.

I was Darth Vader. Seduced to the Dark Side with dire consequences.

Hahaha.. Ooops. too detailed.. Lately, I discovered that I am quite an imaginery-prone person. I can imagine hell or the most romantic image that is quite exaggerated and siao siao :)

However. God's cool. He's always on time.
He came and defeated Darth Vader in a lightsaber dual.
He cut and slashed and drilled and pulled and everything.

I was healed. Light previls Darkness.
Seen it. Proved it. Done it. :)

The cumbersome and fearsome mask was removed.
My true concealed face was exposed.
Vader ceased to be. Anakin Skywalker returned.

Just like any superheroes. My desire is still there.

Captain America for Jesus.
The Dark Knight that sends the Devil shaking in his boots.
Have a team of X-men for Jesus. Able to bear all pains.
The physique of Tomb Radier. Sexy Church Teddy Bear. ( Inside joke)
Be God-driven Spideryboy. Hehehe.. :)

In retrospect, life wouldn't be the same if I remain the same.

Since Spiderman has found his Mary Jane.
Maybe I should just give up my Mary Jane and have lunch with God sometime. Maybe a Big Mac would be nice. Somewhere near the beach with the clashes of the deep blue sea and the yakking of the seagulls. Noise but attactive.

I'm always attracted by the horizon.

Whatever ZHan.
You need a reality check.

Check :)
Is it me..
or is it still me..

Not to complain lar..
I do miss people from my past.
That includes the strangers I talk to.

But I look forward to the next day on what God has for me.
The miracles and wonders that awaits.

To remember my past is not my virtue.
I'm forgetful.
Or I made myself to forget.

A man without a past.
Happier?
Maybe. Maybe not.

Just to say..
'I love everyone out there.'
'Slashed by the parents' words.
Like daggers without marks.
My heart was shattered into dust.
Beyond recovery. Beyond recovery.'

Church is the best time to rest..
Not enough physical rest and spiritual recharge
led to weak knees and weak heart.

During worship, I fell asleep.
The whole auditorium turned into a sanctury.
The atmosphere was filled with wine.
I was so drowsy that I was on the floor.

Asleep :/

When Pastor was preaching about 'Rejection',
someone came into my mind - JieMin.
The previous day. The interview day.
Things wasn't running well for her.

'One outshines one.'

As you know.
Once a boy, always a boy.
I dunno how to console people.
Sometime I might accidentally worsen the whole situation,
I didn't know what to do best.

I tried my best with:
'When you are sad, always remember that Zhi Han is HAPPY!'
-Pulled up my tie with the wide happy face on it-

Tried.
Futile.

I understood what she went thru.
But with my limited vocabulary.
I could find the best word to express my empathy for her.
Until Sunday. One day later. About 24 hours later.
I found it - Rejected..

Oh well.. Cheer up dude!

Workaholic for Jesus!!
Err.. sounds wrong but that's me.

I'm a Christian 24-7 but not a good one.
Or should I say a effecient or effective one.

No. 1: I backslided in my relationship with God.
No. 2: I was mean to my friends.
No. 3: I was gossiping about myself and others.

3-days of COOP camp screwed up my protected hour to do QT.
After the COOP camp, I was encouraging gossip abt my COOP buddy. (Sorry!!)
During LTC, I was mean to my female classmate. (Sorry!!)

Murmur. Gossip. Complain.

No more.
So the next time.. -deep breath-
if I continue to be the same, somebody scold me.
Yar.. S-C-O-L-D. Scold.

Dun worry. At most I hid @ one corner and cry.
Kidding..

Happy Belated Birthday to Sally :)
Your Lingo. Music to my ears.

Today on my way home. God rebuked me.
Out of all the time. Of course during den.

I was alone.

He mentioned things like I was not toying with Him.
My attitude towards other was backsliding since the COOP camp.
I was different lar.

I need to change.
This June hoilday will either make me or break me.

Never one day I slept more than enough.
Sometimes I have so much to do that I sleep late.
Woke up early to rush to places and etc..

Parents. Church. Common test. Friends. COOP.

Time never stops @ all.
I dun even recall myself lacking as in doing nothing.

I'm a panda now.

I'm so tired.
I envy those who could sleep and recover after camp,
and spent their time carelessly without much care for tomorrow.

I can't..
Oh well. This is what I sign up for when I asked more from God.
It's an invisible covenant.

Happy Belated Birthday for the Greatest Dad on Earth!
One day as I was pouring myself a cup of water.
God knew my desire and told me this.
'Woman is a cup of water'
Water is God's original version of woman.
Dare not to sms since first light until I finished my evaluation about today outreach activity in church. Busy. Busy. Busy..

Usually I will take a day off to recuperate after camp. But I can't afford to do so without accumlating my workload. Turned in @ 2 last night as I prepared my schedule last minute.

Wore out.

But today had loads of fun while interacting with the kids. Let me shine some light to you, Geylang is one of the best communities that everyone almost know each other. Greet each other without fail, acknowledge one another casually.

Engaged in a street-soccer match with the kids without footwear. Now suffering the agonizing blisters on my sole.

Ouch!

Quite disappointed with the turnout today. Maybe its my moody mood plus spiritual hunger after the 3-day camp, that's behind all these.

I need to submit a report to the leader later. A detailed report about today's activity and everything that's important.

Tomorrow morning got CLTC. Combine Leadership Training Course. I think something like that. Sigh.. @ school.

:)
I wait silently by the moonlight as the vibration of my mobile wakes me from my dream about you.
Home Sweet Home.
Nice to be homed

So tired even after my regeneration sleep once I returned home.
I not blogging much.

Got millions of things awaiting for me to get done and over with.

Apologies to many who tried to contact me during the past 3 days.
Rather slow in replying sms and missed your calls.

I hid my mobile in my seem-to-be-BIG bag.

Again..
I shortlisted for COOP interview.
I went thru elections again.

Did what I didn't do during the SC election.
Spoke like never before.
Maybe the audiences make a difference..

:)
Your smile made my day beautiful and makes me want to be a better man today.
I decided not to blog my troubles and fustration today.

It's nothing but negative critical thoughts that is not edifying.
I want to be positive and others to be positive as well.

I just want to cry. That all I want to do now.
So much to say, but can't. Maybe brawling will help..

Happy Birthday Joy! :)
Your hands are my eyes to see the moonlight that I dun deserve to see.
I'm feeling so helpless. Hopeless. Pointless. Useless.

I want to go to church. I want. I desire. I wish to. I.. I just want to GO!!

Demands and expectations will kill souls. I'm not excepted from that. No one was. No one is. No one will be. One man can only be @ one place @ that time.

I hate to make decisions. I JUST HATE IT. Sometime.. I think if I like all the women on this earth. I will have no need to go thru all the trouble to find my 'Chosen one' and save all the messy and foolhardy moment of my pathatic life.

I'm going to break down soon if I try to maintain my 'Superman' ego. Managing and juggling my time from morning to night. I wish I could do something I love.. like hiding @ some ulu ulu corner and admire my love from far. Jotting down any critical, yet romancing thoughts onto my little book of mine, titled : My little crazy one.. who drove me crazy everyday.

I'm suffering from a bruised ego. So sore that I can't breathe.

Every morning as I gradually come to sense. I feel so inferior. I feel so weary. But.. I.. have no choice but to get my butt out of my soft and mellow bed, whispering for my return to warm my sleeping spot.

I have things. Demands. Expectations to follow up. I cannot stop to eat. Hungry as I set my mind to get done and over with my morning routine. I miss the days when I could still sit down with my steaming hot cup of milo with kaya toasts, neatly cut into the regular triangular with slightly burnt surface, on the dining table. With the familiar flipping and crushing noise of the Straits Time, ringing by my ears.

NO!

NO! Life has to change. NO! You are not the master over your time. NO! You must obey without questioning the authority. NO! You are not you. You are their, to be thrown, trashed and chopped as and when they feel like to. NO! I must be a yes-man. NO! I must protect my imagine. I have to give face to everyone's time. NO! People trespass you. Smile and forget. Your smile is for others to expoilt. NO! You cannot sleep until you have done your stuff. NO! No time for daydreaming. No time. No time. No time.

WHY!

Just a simple request to devote my Sabbath day to soak in my God's presence and YOU! with all your rubbish and scheme comes to my door and tell me, ' you are booked.' What RUBBISH is this!

Just one more day and I will across the 1st week mark. Now.. @ the eleventh hour of your hoilday. You. Mr Big Shot wants to go back to Great Old school days. You must be out of your mind.. Seriously.

I feel worse than the valley of the election nightmare. I feel like my physical is stretched beyond my wildness. My untamed emotions are on the loose. The savage beast within the shell is gradually peeling the mask of the hell-hound.

I dunno how long can I hold on to my training.

I am Job.
God allowed all these to happen. He wants to kill Self. He wants to teach me and equip me. I can't judge myself. For if I do so, I'm also judging other as I compare their life with mine. I'm God if I do that. And I will die. I will be stone by hellstones. I will be cast into sulphur of the hell. I will be hung by the gates of hell to serve as a reminder to those who go against the O Mighty One and be one.

His fist will turn me back to what I once was. Dust. And den be gone with the wind. Chased by the aimless wind as the dust sprays @ dust.

I just want to go church. WHY! is it so difficult?

Praise God for my hardship. Praise Him for the night I laid on my back, unable to sleep. Praise Him for my bleeding heart, that I might faint and in I go into coma and never wake up again. Praise God for the hells that I meet, for my friends will live a better one than mine. Praise You for not silencing me as I formed in my mother's womb. Praise You for every fibre of myself is to able to take on the humiliation and unkindness that cuts into me. Praise You for the favour that I have found in You and also in Man.

I might be a wandering ghost if I didn't meet You.
My spouse will have to find another hubby if you didn't give me another chance.

I want to sleep. I want to eat. I want to praise God. I want to read my Bible. I want to do many things.

Maybe what the bible says is true. A prophet has few friends. Maybe none when disaster falls upon their life.

I am a prophet. I want to prosper. I want to flourish.

I need to hear more from God.
But my hears are too weak to hear.

I need to speak to God.
But my tongue is twisted.

I need to see God.
But my eyes are to weak to see.

I need to breath God.
But my nose are to weak to savour.

I need to be touched by God.
But my sense went awry and hard-cold.

Jesus can heal the sick.
I am one. One sick and ailing soul. Thirsty. Hungry.

Help me to have more compassion to those who are selfish, who refuses my help and to share their sorrow with me. Let me have more patient. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeee..
I'm in love with morning for dainty she is, as she yawns den.
I'm getting on in years..
In retrospect, I think love has evolved into another new level now.

I wonder..
whether having an affection for one person more than the rest is a sin..
What is the taste of having a crush on someone?

Whatever ZHan..

I was on the phone with one of my pals, debating over my belief in God.
We debated and rebutted and aurged with each other over the phone for like nearly 2 hours with no clear conclusion. My answers were illogical, his were logical.

'Help me! God..'

Den He reminded me of my younger days before Jesus came into my life. I wondered why and what the use of those memories when the most critical moment of my faith was disturbed.

'Read your bible everyday.'

Har har har!! Praise God. My answers to his arugements were 'eh.. have you read the bible yet?' den he lost his momentum to continue debating over the subject. All his question and reasonings were based on his instincts but not the Truth..

Poor dude. I kept on asking him to read the bible that he's going to read the 4 gospels before the next discussion. Hahaha.. Disciple in the making.

Com' on! God bless him..
Har har har.. Dumbboy speaks.

Oh yar!! I prayed like siao for today church outreach activity into the Gelyang area to invite kids for free movie in church.. It was an awesome turned out!! 21 kids came, with some brought their friends. Har har har..

Yar yar.. i seem to be a bit cranky. But for a new young church to lose 1 person for Christ is not as insignificant and of much concern, compared to other mega churches.

Pardon me.
But i love r.n. so much.. I can't stop lov' it!!
Church is the next best place to be around.

Say Amen!
Har har har...

I'm teasing ZiYi about some or all the embarrassing questions, in a serious tone. Ok ok.. desperate tone. Har har har.. And the only answer she has is' i dunno', that's quite unexpected from her. Hohohoho..

I think she's gotta hate me as i blog this.. Har har har..
Forcing her to tag my blog.. :)
Call me Dr. Evil..

Know what?
I think I'm toying with my emotions.
Whatever ZHan..

But one thing for sure.
I'm always in love.. Har har har..

Dumbboy's dummy love..
Woo.. who's that? who's that? who's that?
Har har har..
I dun deserve to see the sunrise tomorrow.
Her.

Dun care how life was that unfair and miserable.
Run after your King..

Rise in faith, not in fear.
For you are made for every morning, renewed and rebuilt
In the hand of thy Lord.

Hide from Thy terror and Thy glory.
Judge not yourself, but expect more.

God's wonderous creation, perfect in potter's hand.
Made to confirm and conquer
The prophesy.

O' rise Elisha, O' rise Elisha.
Double anointing, double standards.
Double standards, double demand.
Demands that will break, scorn and bring life.

Peter walked on water.
I run, on ruffled sea.

Not be distracted by feminine.
Be encouraged by it.
Be a warrior poet.
Protect and appreicate them,
beauties in God's eyes.
Just as mine.

Love songs.
Ready for battle.
A kiss to anticipate the knight's return.
To be sworned as the fellowship of thy King.

My King, I serve and sing.
Thousand praise and complete worship.
I bow, both in fear and relief.

I purified and prepare in three days of perfume,
awaits the visit of thy King's arrival.
Courtmaids and servants, as one abides Thy calling,
to be warriors of Thy fortress
and princes of Thy palace.

Helment of Salvation.
Boot of Peace.
Breastplate of Faith.
Double-edged sword of Word.

Hail the King of Kings, Lord of Lords.
I fought the war and awaits the day of your return,
to find eternal rest and peace in Thy sanctury.
And my love with that passionate kiss,
sparks life in me.

My queen who holds to thy lip.
I sought for thy scent that lingers and calls for me.
Passion. Intimacy. Affection. Warmth. Love.

I could not compromise those feelings,
as I felt your prescence and heard your voice.
Denial is a death penalty to my ranching soul.
Blindness is a torment to my longing sight for you.

So near, yet so far.
Though clinche but i feel not otherwise but truely this.
For was my King and is now my queen.

When did my passion for my King
gradually turn to you, O' queen.
Wise you are. Fool you are.

Maybe it is just a dream.
I not want to be awaken from it.
Maybe..
Maybe..
This is what authentic love is all about.
Her.